death

death is a weird concept to wrap your mind around. It's the moment someone stops living, breathing. The moment a heart stops. The moment their world stops.

And yet it leaves behind so much. When someone dies, they are not forgotten or left behind, but rather just not here.

And so begins the grieving.... the sadness.... the memories that have long been forgotten. You sift through old pictures and you cry. You remember old times and you cry. You wonder how time flew by so fast and you didn't make friendships a priority.

But that's life, isn't it?

Not knowing, not understanding, and never saying things until they're too late.

A dear friend of mine passed away. We were not terribly close in our older years, but I still greeted her with a hug, as she did me.. The last message she ever sent me was "I love you! We should have dinner sometime soon!"

And that sometime soon will never come.

For it doesn't matter whether we were close today or not, she was still a part of my life and a part of my memories. My awkward teenage years and growing up years are peppered with memories of she and I together, doing fun things and things we got in trouble for.

I will always miss her and I will always love her, the girl that looked like me, the girl that laughed like me, and the girl who always greeted me with a hug. I am so sad and heartbroken, to think of her passing away alone and depressed. She had the hardest year last year and I can't imagine how she felt. I should've asked. I should've been a better friend. You always think you'll have time to be a good friend and then it's gone... You imagine there are plenty days ahead of you, after all you're only 31. I guess it really doesn't matter. The world keeps spinning even if your world stops. Life happens around you even if you aren't ready.

Friendships fade even if you want to keep them going because life is just too damn fast with too many demands and the days past by so quickly that you forget to stop. You forget that you may not have a tomorrow. I used to write, I used to scrapbook -- haven't done it in years.

To my dear friend Cristi, I am sorry I was not there and I am sorry I did not message you to ask how your day was going or if you needed a friend. I am so sad to think that you died alone, grieving and to think how much a hug or a long talk could've made you feel better, if only for a second. I am so, so sorry and I am so, so thankful that you were my friend.

So, here's what I'm going to do -- stop putting it off, stop holding grudges, and I'm going to make plans with those I love because who knows? Death happens every day to every single one of us, whether it be at 31 or 91. We are all only this world for a short time -- let's not forget that. Let's stop thinking we have tomorrow.

Rest in peace, my dear friend. I love you.

Do you ever feel like you still don't know what you want out of life? Like you're sitting on the outside, staring in, and wondering WTH this is?

I never knew my life would be here now. I always thought I'd just be a mommy to my kids and wife to my husband and here I am, caught up in my career and in my jobs, and doing a mediocre job at all of it. I never knew I'd be spread so thin that I wouldn't have time to do anything I enjoy anymore. I don't read because who has time? I don't watch movies because there are toilets to be cleaned and laundry to be folded and meals to be prepared.

I listened to music I thoroughly enjoyed yesterday, but only because I was working on tagging and hanging clothes...... key word being WORK. It's such a weird balance and maybe it's because I hate change or maybe it's because I still don't know what I want out of life, 31 years into it. I am just at a point where I feel stuck.

Drowning. Quicksand. Whatever you want to call it. Stuck.

I want so bad to be with my kids and so bad to provide for them at the same time. There are days I walk into work and just immediately contemplate turning right back around and going home and crawling in bed with my babies where I belong.

I am such a perfectionist that it's hard for me to half ass anything. I can't just do my job. I have to do it well. I can't just sell clothes. I have to sell many clothes and provide top notch customer service. I can't just clean house, I have to dissect it.... and yet, I somehow feel that I can't keep up with anything.

God.

I didn't know growing up was so hard. I just thought I'd have it figured out by now..... The people who are closest to me are the ones I distance myself from the most. It's easier to immerse myself in work than it is to face reality or face my fears. Why is that? I just wish I could close my eyes and solve it.

I had a dream the other night that I came home and our house had burned to the ground. I remember laying there for a moment without any feeling at all. I wondered what the dream meant and this is what I found: the person who has this dream is at a place of unrest. They are unsure and weighed down by the demand of their life.

Son of a gun - that's exactly how I feel. The person needs a "transformation, but isn't ready for change" Holy smokes. This is where I am in life. This. This black hole of unsureness, of unpreparedness, of uncertainty.

To my husband

Hi sweetness,

It's me writing from work. The place where I can seem to think for a few minutes before the patients roll in and the demands begin. It never ends, does it? The constant demands from each corner of this thing called life.

I remember meeting you nearly twelve years ago. You were dirty and fresh from work and I took one look at you and knew I had to get to know you better. Knocking on your door a few days later was the best, most life altering decision I ever made. Fresh from high school heart break, I stood at your door broken, yet knowing that would soon end. You fixed me. You showed me what love really was.

I loved you from our very first date - we both drank tea and added two sugars. You held my hand on the drive home and played with the makeshift wire ring you made me at dinner. You were 20 and I was 19. And I knew.

We were inseparable. Our lives seamlessly intertwined and our days become full of each other. We laughed together, ate dinners of cereal and Ramen noodles, and just relished in our togetherness. I knew my future held you in it. I knew you'd be mine. I've had friends who have told me our relationship is inspiring and ask if we ever fight. Of course we do, but here's the secret - we also find solutions together.

We've been through a lot - years of living apart, sick kiddos, job changes. We've had happy and we've had sad, but we've always been a team.

I am hot-headed and quick to explode. You are calm and collected, looking and analyzing all options. Me - I ride it out. That is why we work so well together. I can look at you and know how much you love me, despite the stretch marks and dark circles. I can see how much you love our children - our beautiful, independent children - and know how much you love me.

I can see the hurt on your face when I come home at 9 pm after working for 13 straight hours. I know you feel bad that I've been at work this long. I want you to know that I am perfectly okay with the chaos that is my life, our life. I wouldn't change it for a minute.

Even after the worst day that is filled with demands I fall short of or to do lists I never get finished, that hug and kiss on the forehead at the end of the day are enough to get me going again. Those two small bodies wedged between us are enough to give me the motivation. You, my dear husband, you are always enough.

I love you so much. We have grown up together and we are as close as two people can get. I truly believe that God led me to you. You are steadfast and dedicated, passionate and sweet. The small things you do - coffee in the morning, kids freshly bathed - I may not say thank you enough, but those little things mean the world to me.

You and our kids mean the world to me. My life would not be the same without you. I adore you, Luke. Thank you for being you and for loving me no matter what. I love you.