Do you ever feel like you still don't know what you want out of life? Like you're sitting on the outside, staring in, and wondering WTH this is?

I never knew my life would be here now. I always thought I'd just be a mommy to my kids and wife to my husband and here I am, caught up in my career and in my jobs, and doing a mediocre job at all of it. I never knew I'd be spread so thin that I wouldn't have time to do anything I enjoy anymore. I don't read because who has time? I don't watch movies because there are toilets to be cleaned and laundry to be folded and meals to be prepared.

I listened to music I thoroughly enjoyed yesterday, but only because I was working on tagging and hanging clothes...... key word being WORK. It's such a weird balance and maybe it's because I hate change or maybe it's because I still don't know what I want out of life, 31 years into it. I am just at a point where I feel stuck.

Drowning. Quicksand. Whatever you want to call it. Stuck.

I want so bad to be with my kids and so bad to provide for them at the same time. There are days I walk into work and just immediately contemplate turning right back around and going home and crawling in bed with my babies where I belong.

I am such a perfectionist that it's hard for me to half ass anything. I can't just do my job. I have to do it well. I can't just sell clothes. I have to sell many clothes and provide top notch customer service. I can't just clean house, I have to dissect it.... and yet, I somehow feel that I can't keep up with anything.

God.

I didn't know growing up was so hard. I just thought I'd have it figured out by now..... The people who are closest to me are the ones I distance myself from the most. It's easier to immerse myself in work than it is to face reality or face my fears. Why is that? I just wish I could close my eyes and solve it.

I had a dream the other night that I came home and our house had burned to the ground. I remember laying there for a moment without any feeling at all. I wondered what the dream meant and this is what I found: the person who has this dream is at a place of unrest. They are unsure and weighed down by the demand of their life.

Son of a gun - that's exactly how I feel. The person needs a "transformation, but isn't ready for change" Holy smokes. This is where I am in life. This. This black hole of unsureness, of unpreparedness, of uncertainty.