To My Son

My dearest Lawson,

I close my eyes and see your smile - that toothy smile and those big, round cheeks. Your green eyes are so full of life and happy. You are too pretty to be a boy, I've heard it a thousand times. And you are, my handsome son. A combination of your dad and I and a mix of our love for each other. Our son.

I didn't make a fancy book for your first birthday and I didn't chronicle every single milestone for you like I did for your sister. It's not because I love you less. It's not because you are not special. It's just the opposite.

It's because you, my second child, are enjoyed even more. It's a sad reality that it takes having a second baby to appreciate how fleeting that first year is. I was so wrapped up in taking pictures of everything Julianna did that I forgot to truly enjoy it. I wrote down every detail and I forgot to sit back and take it in. I sit with you and I breathe deeply and I smell that sweet baby smell of milk and sweat and lotion and I take it in - it is short lived and sweet. I feel your heavy head on my shoulder and your fingers in my hair and know it won't be this way long enough. You will not always cry when momma leaves the room and you won't always snuggle deeper into my chest. This, too, shall pass and too quickly at that.

You are my second child. You are likely my last. That in no way makes you less loved. I am sorry that I do not have the books and memories written down for you or your things neatly tucked away. You do not have shadow boxes or memory boxes or shutterfly books of everything.... but these little pieces of you are in my heart and tucked there safely. I honestly was unsure if I could love another child. And then you were born and opened up a new part of me I never knew existed. My heart grew even bigger and a new space developed just for you. My son. My baby boy.

I love you and your long eyelashes. I love your chubby thighs and your sweet sticky hands. Your drool and your milk breath. I love how you reach for me and no one else will do. I love when you sneak up the steps and laugh that you got away. Or how you get excited and throw both hands in the air. It's too cute when you point and so funny when you get mad.

It takes someone special to be a second baby and to roll with the punches. You are so good at it, sweet boy. So good. You don't care about the little things and I can just tell that you will be a gentle giant with a heart of gold and a man like your daddy. You will grow up kind and strong and respectful of women. You are special. I am so thankful for you and want you to know that you have changed me.... you have made me a new type of mother. An appreciative mother and one who doesn't sweat the small stuff. I love you. Always, my wild man. You are SO very loved. Thank you for choosing me to be your momma.

Thank you for the best year ever. You and your sister make my days worth living.