death

death is a weird concept to wrap your mind around. It's the moment someone stops living, breathing. The moment a heart stops. The moment their world stops.

And yet it leaves behind so much. When someone dies, they are not forgotten or left behind, but rather just not here.

And so begins the grieving.... the sadness.... the memories that have long been forgotten. You sift through old pictures and you cry. You remember old times and you cry. You wonder how time flew by so fast and you didn't make friendships a priority.

But that's life, isn't it?

Not knowing, not understanding, and never saying things until they're too late.

A dear friend of mine passed away. We were not terribly close in our older years, but I still greeted her with a hug, as she did me.. The last message she ever sent me was "I love you! We should have dinner sometime soon!"

And that sometime soon will never come.

For it doesn't matter whether we were close today or not, she was still a part of my life and a part of my memories. My awkward teenage years and growing up years are peppered with memories of she and I together, doing fun things and things we got in trouble for.

I will always miss her and I will always love her, the girl that looked like me, the girl that laughed like me, and the girl who always greeted me with a hug. I am so sad and heartbroken, to think of her passing away alone and depressed. She had the hardest year last year and I can't imagine how she felt. I should've asked. I should've been a better friend. You always think you'll have time to be a good friend and then it's gone... You imagine there are plenty days ahead of you, after all you're only 31. I guess it really doesn't matter. The world keeps spinning even if your world stops. Life happens around you even if you aren't ready.

Friendships fade even if you want to keep them going because life is just too damn fast with too many demands and the days past by so quickly that you forget to stop. You forget that you may not have a tomorrow. I used to write, I used to scrapbook -- haven't done it in years.

To my dear friend Cristi, I am sorry I was not there and I am sorry I did not message you to ask how your day was going or if you needed a friend. I am so sad to think that you died alone, grieving and to think how much a hug or a long talk could've made you feel better, if only for a second. I am so, so sorry and I am so, so thankful that you were my friend.

So, here's what I'm going to do -- stop putting it off, stop holding grudges, and I'm going to make plans with those I love because who knows? Death happens every day to every single one of us, whether it be at 31 or 91. We are all only this world for a short time -- let's not forget that. Let's stop thinking we have tomorrow.

Rest in peace, my dear friend. I love you.