We took a walk this evening. It was so nice out. The temperature just right for a fall day after a long day at work - it's always a long day at work.
My anxiety was at all time high at the post office. An ambulance sped past me and my heart just sank. I thought of you, my sweet girl. Was it you? Were you where the ambulance was heading? It quickly got worse when I realized it was in front of the school. Someone must've noticed the fear on my face when I pulled in because the told me fast that you were okay. It wasn't you. You were fine.
Breathe, Jennifer, just breathe. Your baby is okay.
The walk this evening was just what I needed. An evening of air, an evening of laughs, and some time to unwind with my two favorite people.....until it hit me like a ton of bricks.
One day you won't need training wheels.
One day you won't need to hold my hand when you cross the street or you don't need us to tuck you in. One day that sweet smile will turn into braces and those matching dresses and socks will become mismatched socks and tattered jeans. One day you won't be almost 7 with a snaggle tooth smile.
Not too many days ago, Lawson's fire big truck became a fire truck and then it wasn't talked about anymore...... and my hear just aches knowing these days don't last.
I snuggled between you both on the couch the other night and sat in pure bliss as we, as a family, were uninterrupted as movies played across the television. The three people who mean the most to me nestled tightly under covers and huddled together, sharing laughs and smiles and each other's company..... until it creeped in again. That anxiety. It won't always be this way....
one day you won't need training wheels.
Raising your children has to be the single most bittersweet thing this momma can imagine. It becomes a countdown to when that little human is born to counting down until the days you have left with them here all the time. It doesn't last, does it?
They grow, don't they? The grow up and grow away and become their own little people. It's heartbreaking and heartwarming at the exact same time. It's hard to imagine life without them. It's hard to imagine waking up without hearing those little feet.
One day you won't need training wheels.
So I sit back and watch, I give you hugs and kisses freely, and all the love my momma heart can give because you are my absolute world and while time and days will change, I know you will grow, and I'll enjoy every moment I have left -- training wheels or not. I am SO very proud that I can watch you both grow.
Thursday, November 2, 2017
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Thinking
I'm rambling today, but not aloud. Rambling with my words on paper and the thoughts in my head. You know, those thoughts that sometimes shake you to the core, even though you can't put your finger on them?
I hardly slept last night because I made the mistake of watching the news before bed. The news that fills me with sadness and horrific images and stories of people who were victims of someone who took their lives for no reason. It's unthinkable that we live in such a world full of such evil. Unthinkable that we aren't safe anywhere. You could be here today and gone tomorrow. I'm just wondering about these people and their panic. How scary this situation must have been. How absolutely life changing and anxiety inducing.
I'm anxious about it and nowhere close.
I remember when the shooting at Virginia Tech happened. I cried tears and sat in classrooms anxious. I was always that girl in the front, the one asking ?s. Close to the door. I sat there, anxious, just staring out the windows knowing I'd be the first to go if a crazed gunman entered our room. And that could happen. That does happen.
I've always been hypersensitive and empathetic. I used to think it was abnormal for me to be able to feel so deeply what others feel. I often wished I could just turn it off because it tore me up inside. I hated feeling other's heartbreak. It'd hit me like a ton of bricks. And my own heartbreak? It was always too much. My feelings hurt for being left out, for being forgotten, and then the internal battle to forget it. Not so easy. The losses, oh the losses.
A life lost.
A love lost.
A child lost.
The tears I've cried for people I didn't know have broken me. The sleepless nights for the children I have never met, the children who never had the chance to grow have changed me. Isn't it funny how love and loss can shape you? The love you have and the love you lose are two of the most crucial aspects that make us who we are. The love for my own children is almost too much for me to bear. The worry about them. I have woken up in a sweat just scared of losing them.......
I hardly slept last night because I made the mistake of watching the news before bed. The news that fills me with sadness and horrific images and stories of people who were victims of someone who took their lives for no reason. It's unthinkable that we live in such a world full of such evil. Unthinkable that we aren't safe anywhere. You could be here today and gone tomorrow. I'm just wondering about these people and their panic. How scary this situation must have been. How absolutely life changing and anxiety inducing.
I'm anxious about it and nowhere close.
I remember when the shooting at Virginia Tech happened. I cried tears and sat in classrooms anxious. I was always that girl in the front, the one asking ?s. Close to the door. I sat there, anxious, just staring out the windows knowing I'd be the first to go if a crazed gunman entered our room. And that could happen. That does happen.
I've always been hypersensitive and empathetic. I used to think it was abnormal for me to be able to feel so deeply what others feel. I often wished I could just turn it off because it tore me up inside. I hated feeling other's heartbreak. It'd hit me like a ton of bricks. And my own heartbreak? It was always too much. My feelings hurt for being left out, for being forgotten, and then the internal battle to forget it. Not so easy. The losses, oh the losses.
A life lost.
A love lost.
A child lost.
The tears I've cried for people I didn't know have broken me. The sleepless nights for the children I have never met, the children who never had the chance to grow have changed me. Isn't it funny how love and loss can shape you? The love you have and the love you lose are two of the most crucial aspects that make us who we are. The love for my own children is almost too much for me to bear. The worry about them. I have woken up in a sweat just scared of losing them.......
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Oh, Mom.
When you’re a young girl, you’re told to chase your dreams, go to college, become self-sufficient. What you aren’t told is that perhaps one day that you will be a mom. You aren’t told that that your life will no longer be yours once you birth your beautiful baby. You aren’t told that the word “I” disappears from your vocabulary.
So you go. You go to college and you become the best version of yourself and you make a career you are proud of. You do your job with passion and with care because, after all, you worked your whole life to get here. You did it! You made it.
What no one bothers to tell you is that once that little slobbery child comes along, the days become longer – oh my, how they drag. The working hours last longer than your home hours. No one tells you that sometimes you’ll cry in the mornings putting on your mascara because you’d rather snuggle and smell that sweet baby smell while you can. You start over on your mascara because it’s smeared everywhere and this is just a Monday.
No one bothers you to tell you that you will miss so much. No one warns the working momma that they will miss the first steps, the first words…You aren’t warned of these things and you cry, silently and alone, more nights than you'd wish and more instances than you'd ever admit.
Education is pushed upon us more and more and we struggle to become the mommas we want to be because we’re tied to careers we’re in debt to and chained to the jobs we worked so hard to get. Before them. We’re thankful for our jobs and we constantly defend them when someone says, without knowing, “I don’t know how you can work and be away from your babies.” They don’t know that those words are like a knife to you because you want to be a mom so much, but you also want to do your job. After all, you worked for twenty some odd years to get here. You can’t just throw it away.
No one tells you that you’ll miss school plays, award ceremonies, class crafts, and so much more because you are the one behind the scenes, caring for those who need you. No one tells you that you’ll be late for the Easter party because a patient needed you a little longer than expected and you so want to be good at your job too. You want to be the best you can be, at everything.
No one tells you that you’ll feel like you’re failing at everything. Your planner will burst with things for everyone else. Your life becomes one big mess of appointments and practices and work. You’ll look like you handle it all with grace and precision, but what nobody sees is that you are just like that duck, paddling ferociously under water just to stay afloat.
We working mommas have it tough – our minds in one spot and our hearts in the other. We try so hard not to miss a beat, not to miss an event, and not to make a mistake. We work and we mom the best we can. No one tells you how hard this is. No one warns you that there are days you wish you could just be mom. They tell you how quickly it goes, how fast your kids grow – what they fail to mention is how much you really do miss. You know your kids will be proud one day and you do hope you're teaching them to be the best they can be. So your cry and go on to tomorrow because you're mom, after all. You CAN do it all.
So you go. You go to college and you become the best version of yourself and you make a career you are proud of. You do your job with passion and with care because, after all, you worked your whole life to get here. You did it! You made it.
What no one bothers to tell you is that once that little slobbery child comes along, the days become longer – oh my, how they drag. The working hours last longer than your home hours. No one tells you that sometimes you’ll cry in the mornings putting on your mascara because you’d rather snuggle and smell that sweet baby smell while you can. You start over on your mascara because it’s smeared everywhere and this is just a Monday.
No one bothers you to tell you that you will miss so much. No one warns the working momma that they will miss the first steps, the first words…You aren’t warned of these things and you cry, silently and alone, more nights than you'd wish and more instances than you'd ever admit.
Education is pushed upon us more and more and we struggle to become the mommas we want to be because we’re tied to careers we’re in debt to and chained to the jobs we worked so hard to get. Before them. We’re thankful for our jobs and we constantly defend them when someone says, without knowing, “I don’t know how you can work and be away from your babies.” They don’t know that those words are like a knife to you because you want to be a mom so much, but you also want to do your job. After all, you worked for twenty some odd years to get here. You can’t just throw it away.
No one tells you that you’ll miss school plays, award ceremonies, class crafts, and so much more because you are the one behind the scenes, caring for those who need you. No one tells you that you’ll be late for the Easter party because a patient needed you a little longer than expected and you so want to be good at your job too. You want to be the best you can be, at everything.
No one tells you that you’ll feel like you’re failing at everything. Your planner will burst with things for everyone else. Your life becomes one big mess of appointments and practices and work. You’ll look like you handle it all with grace and precision, but what nobody sees is that you are just like that duck, paddling ferociously under water just to stay afloat.
We working mommas have it tough – our minds in one spot and our hearts in the other. We try so hard not to miss a beat, not to miss an event, and not to make a mistake. We work and we mom the best we can. No one tells you how hard this is. No one warns you that there are days you wish you could just be mom. They tell you how quickly it goes, how fast your kids grow – what they fail to mention is how much you really do miss. You know your kids will be proud one day and you do hope you're teaching them to be the best they can be. So your cry and go on to tomorrow because you're mom, after all. You CAN do it all.
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