To my daughter

Julianna,

There’s a stack of charts on my desk, waiting for me to write in them. I have a busy day. This is normal for me, one busy day after another. The life of a working mom is a viscous cycle: work, play, love, snuggle, kiss, repeat (maybe some sleep?) It’s a constant struggle.

And the charts sit because I am distracted. I keep staring at a picture of you I took this morning. My beautiful daughter dressed as a bride. You are standing in the kitchen with your sweet smile and bedhead. You are beautiful and you are strong. You wake up every day with a smile and ask, “Who is gonna keep us today?” You know the answer is Nana because you know mommy works more than she’s home. You ask anyway and I hear the hope in your voice that maybe it’ll be me. But it isn’t. You smile anyway because you are strong. 

I stare at this picture of you and I want to cry. I cry for everything you are and the memories I have of you in the past four years – four years! How did that happen so quickly? I can hear you singing, see you dancing, remember your first crawl, and hear the weak cry when you had surgery. I see your excitement the first time we went to the American Girl store and I can taste the saltwater the day you stepped foot in the ocean. I hold so many memories of you and I laugh out loud thinking of some things you used to say. You make me laugh, every day, sweet girl.  Being your mom, you also push my buttons in a way no one else can. There’s something between a mother and a daughter that makes it both the most rewarding and most volatile relationship in the world. There’s no one who will love you more than your mother. There’s no one who can make you more proud or make you cry harder than your child.

I see you in this Rapunzel’s wedding dress and I flash forward to your wedding day. I know it will be here quicker than we both think. The years will fly by as I write in paper charts, pay bills, and miss out on so many little things. You’re strong because I’m strong. Being away from you and your brother takes pure strength and willpower. It is not easy to get up and come to work every day and I swallow that lump every morning when I reply with Nana.

There are some things I want you to know, Julianna. I want you to know and to keep these thoughts close:

I am proud of you. No matter if you choose to travel the world, play in a band, heal the sick, or just be kind, I couldn’t be any more proud.  I love your outlook on the world and how you think anything is possible. Never lose that.

  I worry for you. You have a tender heart. That tender heart will be easily broken and when it gets that way, I am here for you. I will mend it the best I can with words of wisdom and plenty of love. It’s okay to be that way and to love too much. We need more good people in this world.

 

 You are beautiful. When you go through the awkward phase and look in the mirror, you may not like what you see. Trust me, we all feel this way at some point. There are days we all feel ugly. It’s okay to feel that way, but please know you are not. You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.  

  You are funny. It’s okay to laugh at yourself and to make others laugh. Your sense of humor is one thing I hope you never lose. We could all use more laughter.

 

  Do not give up. No one is good at everything. No one.  It’s okay to try and it’s okay to fail. You can’t find your strengths unless you know your weaknesses to. Try.

 
Be a good girl. Girls can be mean. Girls will be mean. One day when you are teenager, or maybe even before, you will see this. There are some girls in the world who bring down others and try to kill their self-esteem. Don’t give in to them. Be the bigger person.

Take care of your brother. He looks up to you and loves you. You will always be the top girl in his life. Guide him in a way only big sisters can do.

   Do not bully. You will find as you get older that there are different types of people in this world that come from a variety of backgrounds. No one is any better than anyone else. Do not pick on someone who may be down on their luck. This happens too much. Treat everyone equally.

   Be true to you. Don’t let anyone change who you are and what you want. Don’t let a boyfriend tear down your self-esteem or the mean girls make you feel  inadequate. You are enough and will always be enough. Believe that. Do not lose who you are trying to fit in with someone else.

 I’ve got your back. Always. I’m in your corner, in your shadow, and anywhere you need me to be. I will be here for you. I will cry for you at night when your heart is broken and I will rejoice secretly when I see you act kindly to a stranger. I will never give up on you.

You are my best friend. On the day you were born, I knew instantly that all I needed was suddenly reality.

Marry a man like your dad. He is honest, caring, loving, and helpful. He puts his family first and puts me above him. Find one like him. Do not be fooled by the first boy who looks your way.

Do not lose your faith. You brought me back to faith. You talk about Jesus and love to read Bible stories. Do not stray.

I work because I have to. I do not spend all these hours away from home because I don’t want to be with you. I spend these hours away to provide you with the best life possible. I never want you to struggle or do without. I want you to have the ability to do as you please and go where you want to go. Money is not everything in life – or anything, really – but it allows us to provide you with things that we otherwise may not be able to. (unfortunately, my student loans do not pay themselves).

  Talk to me. About anything and everything. I am a mother and I will listen. You have my ears, you have my shoulders, you have anything you need. Do not hide anything from me. I will not judge you and I will not be mad at you. This will be easier to understand when you get older.

  I love you. I love you more completely than I ever knew was possible. With every breath in me, I love you. I cannot imagine life without you in it.

Sweet girl in the wedding dress, pretend away – imagine life and enjoy it. Embrace today and I will be here watching you grow. I will nurture and love you. You make me the happiest momma in the world and a better person. You teach me something all the time. I pray for you, my sweet girl. Live a happy, healthy life and go where you choose. I will be there with you.

                                 Love always,

                                          Your momma