I cried today.
I had a normal day at work today. A regular, steady Wednesday of patients hustling and bustling and spreading myself too thin, which is a normal occurrence. I remember sitting in Ash Wednesday service just last week and heavy hearted as Father Leon talked about not being a Cyclops and erasing the I off of your forehead and I almost cried there too. I sat and thought of all the times I wish I'd had an I and put me first. I sat and thought of all the times I put everyone else before me.... my husband even whispered, "I wish you had that problem." I'm sure there's many more out there like me - who please everyone else first - so I'll go ahead and end my pity party and get to the point.
I cried today and I went home and had a glass of wine.
I didn't need the wine to handle the stress of the day (I'm a pro), but needed it to handle the stress of the world. In case you've been living under a rock, there was shooting in a Florida high school last week that claimed 17 victims. Seventeen precious lives were cut short by a boy with a gun - a boy who never should've had a gun.
I cried last Thursday, too. I cried because my child, my first born, beautiful baby girl asked me if a shooting could happen in her school. She showed me how she had to curl up and protect her head in case someone came in their school. My beautiful daughter and her long legs lie before me, curling into a ball and my breath stopped and my heart raced. What kind of f**king world do we live in where this is okay?!? Why does my child have to know that such violence even existed? Why is this her reality?
Pardon the language, but understand the sentiment. I get so mad sometimes that I want to scream; I cry instead.
I cried today because I was driving home from work and listening to the news on the radio, a common occurrence. They recapped the school shooting in Florida, reported that the 7th grader (yes, 7th grader) in Ohio who shot himself in the school bathroom had died, and how a school shooting was halted in California by a report of a possible threat and the discovery of 2 AR-15s and 90 magazines.
Jaw.
Drops.
Tears.
Fall.
What future do our children have to look forward to if we keep allowing a world full of such violence and such fear? I am terrified every day I kiss her goodbye. What if Little Johnny wakes up today and decides that he can finally follow through. He will take the life of anyone, not understanding the spiraling effect and he doesn't give a crap if that's your child, the light of your world. How do you even begin to wrap your mind around that?
We are all one gunshot away. A gunshot anywhere. There isn't a safe haven anymore and it terrifies me. How do we arm our children with understanding, with compassion, and with a plan? How do we teach them that despite these things, the world is still good? How do we, as parents, push it out of our minds that this could happen here?
I cried today and I'm sure I'll cry several more days. I prayed today too. For Julianna's future and Lawson's future and the future of all of our children. I don't know what needs changed or what the answer is, but I know SOMETHING has got to give and it can't be anymore of our children that take the bullet. We cannot let them continue to be victims and die in vain while things remain the same.
We have to be able to enjoy this beautiful life we are given without fear.....
