9.

The Halfway Birthday 😢

You’re turning 9 soon. 9. Halfway to eighteen. 2x9=18.

That’s what we’re learning at age 9.

Multiplication. Parts of speech. Who we are. Who we aren’t. Life. Love.

We’re halfway there and it hurts. It doesn’t hurt like a toothache or backache, but like a longing ache that it’s already halfway over and the hurt of wanting a time that’s already passed or reaching for a snuggly toddler that’s now a tween. A good hurt.

You’ll never not be my daughter and I’ll never not be your mom, but the older you get, the more independent you become. Eighteen is the magical age of knowing it all although I’m 100% sure you already think you do. By all accounts, your independence means I’m doing my job, right?

I’m trying, my girl. Even when you test me with your attitude or on the days you’re much too loud and I can’t think straight. I’m still trying.

That’s you learning, isn’t it? Growing. Becoming who you’re supposed to be. Pushing the limits. I want you to push and challenge yourself always, even when I don’t appreciate it in the short term.

I can’t help but feel a bit of anxiety just waiting for your first heartbreak, first missed invitation, first lost friendship. It’s coming. We’ve gotten halfway here much too quickly and it only goes faster with the passing years. Didn’t you just arrive?

I’d be failing you if I didn’t take time to prepare you for what’s in store in the second half; the challenging half. It’s been fairly easy so far. It won’t always be this way.

You won’t always be the best, the prettiest, the smartest, or the one handpicked to be at the top of the team and I want you to know that’s totally okay and to never forget that not all that glitters is gold. It’s way better to simply be you, even when being you means being different.

This too shall pass. Everything does. Breathe. Take it in. Dream.

Don’t ever feel inadequate or less than. You won’t impress everyone — You don’t have to and they’ll never realize the fabulous gift they’re missing by failing to be around you.

We’re halfway there, my girl, and I’m here for it all!

Beautiful mess

Motherhood is messy.

It’s sitting on a creek bank and watching your kids splash and argue about who is resting on which rock and who saw that butterfly first.

It’s being the peacemaker and the score keeper over silly things and crazy things and arguments about who has the better rock throw and who found the most leaves. It’s checking off that summer bucket list before school consumes our days..... 

Motherhood is far from easy. And it’s never perfect.

It’s taking in that small ray of sunshine, that quiet cup of coffee, or those two silent moments they drift to sleep. It’s calming fears and anxieties and it’s brushing the hair of a too sleepy girl, knowing one day she’ll do it completely alone.

It’s cuddles and kisses and bandaids and tears. No one tells you the tears.....

I don’t think anyone can articulate what it means to be a mom — To immerse yourself in motherhood and wondering if you’re ever enough.

We are the schedule keepers, appointment makers, glue that holds it all together..... and yet we remain tucked into the shadows ready to emerge when we’re needed and trying so hard to foster independence. Balancing on a tightrope and holding too tight or not tight enough. We want our children to become independent, even when we want so much to be needed. How we LOVE being needed. 

Motherhood is funny. It’s the smallest jokes and silly songs and rhymes no one else would understand. The biggest secrets and funny comments tucked so deeply inside. It’s the fear of forgetting  the way they smile, the way they smell, or the teeny tiny moments that make the mundane anything but.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds and I’m not sure how I measure up as a mom, nor do I care. I’m doing the best I can, the best for my family, and the laughs and giggles and hugs tell me I’m doing okay.

Motherhood is a journey. A weird journey full of wonder and whimsy. It’s a journey we know will end some day, even though we aren’t sure we ever want it to. When we reach that destination where are children are grown and adults, I hope we sit back and take in just how much we shaped and molded them. 

I hope we can be proud of ourselves. 

Motherhood is messy.

Adult Tonsillectomy: Because I Thought I was Tough (Spoiler: I'm Not)

Let's start with the background info... I'm 34 and a momma of two. I switched jobs almost a year ago and started with our county school system. Two weeks into the school year and my throat is so store that I can hardly swallow. Tonsils are white and full of stones. Fever is  out of control. Convinced I could possibly die.

New teacher illness. Totally normal.

Except it didn't go away. It progressed and when labs finally came back, I was blessed with both mono and strep.Fast forward many months and my voice is almost gone, all of my lymph nodes are enlarged in my neck, snoring is out control, and my tonsils are "massive." I literally tested positive for strep every single time I was tested.

And there comes the news that leads me to my post: My tonsils have got to go.

I visited the ENT in April. His personality was nothing to write home about. He was extremely dry and blunt in stating, " your tonsils are enlarged, your throat is very red, and this is going to hurt. Go ahead and get it scheduled."

So I did. I scheduled in summer, after vacation, but before our deductible started over:)

And begins this experience:

June 25th: The Day Before

Stress cleaning the entire house. Stress eating the entire pantry (before midnight). Anxiety at a high. I thought of cancelling several times, googled all the reviews on my doctor (a little late, I know), and cried -  convinced that I was going to die.

June 26th: Surgery Day

The sweetest nurse ever inserted my IV. She assured me this would be cake compared to the mono/strep combo and I believed her. I remember being wheeled into the room and them telling me to breathe. I woke up and asked if it was over (it was) and heard a nurse tell another nurse "She looks like a teenager." THANK YOU
My husband was waiting on me with a smile. The gave me some ginger ale, coke, and ice. I was fine. Pain was minimal. I could talk. We stopped at Kroger on the way home to fill my meds and I ate a banana. This wasn't bad at all. I get two cups of Chik Fil A ice on the way home because it's the best ice ever and I'm convinced everyone exaggerated.

June 27th: Post-Op Day 1.

This is nothing. I've got this. I'm tough. I have found my voice and everyone else is a wuss. I will brag about my toughness. I can eat all the ice cream I want and binge watch every movie on Netflix and it's fine.

June 28th: Post-Op Day 2

I might have a bit of pain? It's still completely tolerable. My husband has surgery on this day for a deviated septum and is gone allllllllllllll day. He woke up very sick from anesthesia and I prepare myself to care for him because this tonsillectomy recovery is nothing.Today's diet: mashed potatoes, popsicles, pudding, and jello.

June 29th: Post-Op Day 3

My throat looks disgusting. There are two big white holes in the back of my mouth, my uvula is huge, and my tongue hurts. Yes, my tongue hurts. It's sore everytime I hit it against my teeth. It feels somewhat better when chewing gum. My father in law drives me to Wendy's for a frosty and it's amazing to get out of the house. We watch several more movies. Pretty sure we're up to 16 now. Energy is non-existent. Today's diet consists of applesauce, mashed potatoes, and a frosty. Pain level has creeped a bit, maybe  3-4/10?

June 30th: Post-Op Day 4

Holy. Hell. This is It. I am dying. My throat is on fire when I wake up and the first real tears hit. Hard. I immediately scramble to take some medicine, which hurts. I'm pretty sure there are shards of glass in there. The only saving grace is an ice pack to the neck and mashed potatoes. Again. Today's diet consisted of scrambled eggs, oatmeal, bananas, and pudding. Luke is doing okay, but we are both in sloth mode and still binging movies. Adam Sandler is still funny, I determine this after I watch every Netflix movie with him in it.... but it hurts to laugh. And cough. And Yawn. OMG. The Yawn is a special kind of hell. I have a spit cup today because I can hardly swallow and I know that really turns my husband on..... in sickness and in health.... in sickness and in health.

We cut up a watermelon and this feels like gold on my throat.

++Let me also note this is the first night I slept through a dose of medication/water drinking. I do NOT recommend this. I paid for it.

July 1st: Post-Op Day 5

Today is a better day. I woke up at 3 am to take pain medicine, did a little online shopping which is out of control since I've been laid up, and even made it to Walmart with Luke. This was stupid, but we survived. His nose only bled slightly and we both vegged on the couch for countless hours following. I weighed myself today  - 5 lbs down. Luke has lost 9 and I once again rant about how unfair it is to be a woman. Whatever. Men and their weight loss. My kids come home this evening and it's awfully nice to have them snuggled with us since I'm pretty much neglected every mom thing ever in the last 6 days. Luke cooks quesadillas and I eat them very carefully and slowly.

This is why people lose weight. You can eat some foods, but it takes about 4x as long and your throat burns after. But I'm HANGRY HUNGRY at this point, even if all foods tastes like metal and blood.

July 2nd: Post-Op Day 6

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL. This is by far the worst day I've had. Tears come full force. I am in bad shape today...…and I kick myself because this is what everyone warned me about. This is torture.The morning pain meds sent me into a coughing spell which did not ease for over an hour. I coughed and cried and peed on myself a little because my bladder is garbage and I'm shocked I haven't died from drinking too much water.  I only eat mashed potatoes today and do not move from the recliner except to give the kids a bath. I nap on and off and stick to a med schedule. I have completely weened off the strong pain meds and am alternating good old Tylenol and Ibuprofen now which is working much better. I added in some throat numbing spray today and hunted the humidifier out of the attic. It goes all day. I should've done this sooner. My energy is still non-existent and I want to punch every person who is telling me this is a piece of cake. LIARRRRRRRS. I've also started eating hamburger buns. Very slowly.

July 3rd: Post-Op Day 7 ! Today

Today has been okay. My throat still looks pretty spectacular and white. It isn't quite as scabbed looking as I expected it to be at this point, but looks freshly burned (aww, the glory). My pain has been very manageable today (still alternating Tylenol/ibuprofen) and I'm still starving. I've eaten a bit more today, but I am dying for some real food. Today's diet has consisted of: jasmine rice, mashed potatoes, a breakfast essential, oatmeal, and pudding. I'd maybe give my pain a 3. I'm drinking lots of sweet icea tea, water, and coffee in the mornings (I let it cool quite a bit). I finally had a bit of energy today so I managed to actually clean the downstairs, pay a few bills, and get off my aching butt. My tongue still hurts. I don't have the ear pain I've read about aside from a very small ache...… I'm hoping it stays this way. I have gargled salt water today and it felt so much better after.

My voice is awesome. It's the best it has been in years!!!!

So that's today. I'll update, but I am surviving and hoping I am on the downhill side. The good news is that I don't have to rush back to work or anything really. Thankfully. I'm not sure I could do it.

Here's what I've found so far:

1. Take Medicine, You will need it. Don't skip pain meds. Even if you think you can, just don't do it. It's not smart. I feel better off the strong meds, so if you can survive on T/I alternation, do it.
2. Your bowels will suck. Between anesthesia, meds, and lack of nutrition, just know it's going to happen. Prepare. It hurts.
3. Drink. Even if you don't feel like it. Drink. Sip all day long.... it helps the throat. If your throat dries out, forget it. Go ahead and cry.
4. Ice packs around the neck are heaven. I have done this many times.
5. Humidifier. Run this sucker.
6. Chew gum, mints, and have chapstick. This is all essential.
7. Sleep in a recliner for a bit. It helps to be up and on your side.
8. Your energy is going to be zapped. Find childcare if you have kids because you simply won't feel like taking care of them.
9. I have slept a lot less than I thought I would. I'm almost an insomniac now. I take small cat naps, but sleep does not come easily.


#hideyourcreditcards because there's something about being down and sick that just makes you want to buy crap nobody needs. I've shopped all week. It's been bad!

…...

Vast and wide

We’re on this magical trip for our ten year anniversary, my husband and I. We packed our bags and set out to drive three different places for one week. It’s been all sorts of fun and crazy, magestic and sweet, and relaxing. A perfect time to reconnect.

We were driving to our last location yesterday, a quaint cottage in Kitty Hawk. We were crossing a bridge with water on both sides. The waves came up and down and the buoys in the water slipped below and peered up again with each wave. And I thought of life. We do the same, don’t we? We sink down and bob up again as if to say I’m still here, still trying.

I couldn’t help but think of my children - those sweet innocent creatures I was given to love and nurture and eventually, set free. My job as their momma is to make sure they know exactly how loved they are and prepare them with whatever tools they need to navigate this thing we call life. I’m sure there will be times they’ll sink and times they’ll rise and I can only hope I have prepared them to do each of those tasks with grace and resilience and faith that each pull down will only result in a bounce back up.

I’m currently sitting here listening to the ocean and typing up my words because I’m one of those people who gets the urge to write when there’s nothing to write on. It never fails. I’ve reflected this week and I’ve reconnected so deeply with my husband - we’ve been able to throw our worries to the wayside and focus on the love between us that has helped us to build this beautiful life we’ve had so far. I’m thankful for him every single day.

And I think of our children again. I am unsure how we managed to get so lucky to be able to parent them. Our kids are good. They’re great, actually, and their hearts are as big and wide as this ocean. Their dreams are huge and their faith is unending. I hope they know how much they’re loved. You see, there is no love quite like a mother’s - it will move mountains, part oceans, and heal the wounds we are guaranteed to get along this journey.

This ocean is vast and the clouds appear over the sun casting a haze for as far as I can see. And it’s life again. Hazy and uncertain, sunny and full of rain, smiles and tears and everything in between. What a journey we live through - a fluid, constant changing vessel we captain.

The seashells are plentiful here, cracked and broken. They’ve been tumbled  and washed ashore. Some are perfect; they are different. They are each beautiful, even when they’re rough around the edges and I think of people.

My wish is for my kiddos to know how beautiful they are, even when their cracks and wounds are showing, even when they’ve bobbed up and down, even when they feel like sinking. It’s guaranteed life will do us that way because like the ocean, it changes and moves and can be unpredictable. But I’d like to think that even on the worst day, we never lose sight of the best day - even when we sink like that buoy, we’ll rise again and live. I’ve seen a different side of my own life this year and I must say, I like it over here.  

The ocean

We’re on this magical trip for our ten year anniversary, my husband and I. We packed our bags and set our to drive three different places for one week. It’s been all sorts of fun and crazy, magestic and sweet, and relaxing. A perfect time to reconnect.

We were driving to our last location yesterday, a quaint cottage in Kitty Hawk. We were crossings bridge with water on both sides. The waves came up and down and the buoys in the water slipped below and peered up again with each wave. And I thought of life. We do the same, don’t we? We sink down and bob up again as if to say I’m still here, still trying.

I couldn’t help but think of my children - those sweet l, innocent creatures I was given to love and nurture and eventually, set free. My job as their momma is to make sure they know exactly how loved they are and prepare them with whatever tools they need to navigate this thing we call life. I’m sure there will be times they’ll sink and times they’ll rise and I can only hope I have prepared them to do each of those tasks with grace and resilience and faith that each pull down will only result in a bounce back up.

I’m currently sitting here listening to the ocean and typing up my word because I’m one of those people who gets the urge to write when there’s nothing to write on. It never fails. I’ve reflected this week and I’ve reconnected so deeply with my husband - we’ve been able to throw our worries to the wayside and focus on the love between us that has helped us to build this beautiful life we’ve had so far. I’m thankful for him every single day.

And I think of our children again. I am unsure how we managed to get so lucky to be able to parent them. Our kids are good. They’re great, actually, and their hearts are big and wide as this ocean. Their dreams are huge and their faith is unending. I hope they know how much they’re loved. You see, there is no love quite like a mother’s - it will move mountains, part oceans, and heal the wounds were guaranteed to get along this journey.

This ocean is vast and the clouds appear over the sun casting a haze for as far as I can see. And it’s life again. Hazy and uncertain, sunny and full of rain, smiles and tears and everything in between. What a journey we live through - fluid, constant changing vessel we captain.

The seashells are plentiful here, cracked and broken. They’ve been tumbled  and washed ashore. Some are perfect. All are different. They are each beautiful, even when they’re rough around the edges. I think of people.

My wish is for my kiddos to know how beautiful they are, even when their cracks and wounds are showing, even when they’ve bobbed up and down, even when they feel like sinking. It’s guaranteed life will do us that way because like the ocean, it changes and moves and can be unpredictable. But I’d like to think that even on the worst day, we never lose sight of the best day - even when we sink like that buoy, we’ll rise again and live. I’ve seen a different side of my own life this year and I just say, I like it over here.  

Sunday Mornings

It's Sunday.

I'm tired - not just any tired, but more tired than I've been in a while. This week has taken me in a chokehold and basically did exactly as it says - choked me. It's been a stressful week, an overwhelming week, and a week filled with more to dos and sickness than I'm comfortable with. My emotions have been high and the mental workload of this week has been more than the physical ~ thankfully because my body is weary.

My heart gets that way sometimes too.

It's church day and I struggle to get out of bed, but I do it. Not because I have to, but because I need to go today and pray silently for strength for the next week slowly creeping up.

I can't say all Sundays are this way. There are Sundays we don't make it to church. There are Sundays we are out of town, enjoying these weekends with our kids before there simply aren't weekend with our kids anymore. They grow, you know.

There are Sundays we snuggle a little past ten and we don't make it. Does that make me less of a mommy or less of a Christian because I didn't make it to church that day? Or does God just know that I truly did need that day of rest, day of pajamas, or day of family?

Our God is forgiving. I do not believe he thinks less of me because I overslept, nor do I believe he keeps my attendance for my admittance into heaven.

I am raising good humans. I am raising kids who are faithful, compassionate, helpful, and so many more adjectives that I fail to mention. My kids are good. My family is solid. My faith is strong.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: If God isn't keeping my attendance, neither should anyone else. He doesn't side eye because we rolled into church two minutes late or slightly disheveled. He does not care where I rejoice him, where I pray, or where I thank him - be it in front of the altar or in the aisle at Kroger because I finally had time to make it to the store.

The weight on a mother's shoulders is unbearable sometimes. The mental checklist and to do list and the feeling you are never, ever good enough. I don't need someone else judging me because frankly, that's not anyone's job.

Will I make it to church next Sunday? I hope so. But if I don't, rest assured that Our Father is not marking it in his black book.

My children missed school Tuesday and I stayed home with them. They were sick. They needed their mommy..... Julianna missed her first catechism class this year. Am I a just terrible role model because I didn't force her to go, sickness and all?

The Bible teaches us not to judge, to be merciful and forgiving... James 4:11-12 reads, "Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one is able to save and destroy. But you - who are you to judge your neighbor?"

The next time you see that family show up to church who hasn't been all month, say hello and smile. Maybe they've had more going on than they can bear, perhaps they've had obligations that aren't any of your business. But DO NOT judge them. Be merciful, says that Lord. Be welcoming. Do not be a churchgoer who turns people away from church. They do exist!

I guess the moral of my story is this: Don't feel bad for not being perfect. None of his are. Don't feel bad you took a weekend trip and missed church that week. It really is okay to live. Be steady in your faith and in your belief of the unending love and faithfulness of Our Father. He understands ~ more that any human ever could.